Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Real-life Losers Make Worthy Winners

Chelsea completed an historic victory on Saturday to land the first League and FA Cup double in the club’s history. And only the most biased supporters of other clubs could argue that they fully merit the label ‘Champions of England’.

Their efficiency, power and strength throughout the entire squad must surely be viewed enviously from the north of London, where Monsieur Wenger’s brittle yet skilful adolescents once again lick their wounds after yet another trophy-less season. I see Wenger as a wily old lion who is no longer the top cat, and all he can do is watch from afar, waiting to see if any scraps are left by the more dominant cats after a kill.

This year’s scraps went to Manchester United, but the League cup is not enough to satisfy the belly of a club the size of United. Their fans, deep down, realise that, had the unthinkable happened on the last day of the season and Wigan had managed to secure a fourth successive title for the Old Trafford club, it would have been the most unwarranted of all of Sir Alex Ferguson’s league titles.

Quite simply put, Chelsea are the best team in England.

On the pitch.

Off it, they have to be the most disliked champions on record. From the very top to the very bottom. Their owner, Russian billionaire, Roman Abramovich is about as likeable as a bout of swine flu. Who can honestly say that they don’t love watching the now annual ‘Chelsea out of europe’ party and seeing Abramovich looking like a young child who didn’t get what he asked Santa for? Priceless.

They have even managed to turn Ray Wilkins from a ‘thoroughly nice chap’ that used to accompany messrs Souness, Gullitt, Redknapp Jnr and Keys on a Wednesday night in the Sky studios, to star as the modern day version of Phil Neal’s perfect portrayal of ‘Yes man’ (it should be said that Neal’s performance was far more compelling however).

Next on the list is none other than Captain Bullshit himself….John Terry. Or JT as he prefers to be known. Just Terrible……as a human being, a husband and a friend.

Fortunately for Terry, he is a very good footballer as he has nothing else going for him. From his ‘bastard’ haircut to his notion that pulling socks above your knees as a central defender is a good thing, the guy has got no class.

The whole Wayne Bridge saga is even more alarming when you consider two things. Firstly, that Bridge was his best friend (and the two couples used to holiday together) and secondly that Terry is alleged to have told close pals just hours before his meeting with Fabio Capello regarding the captaincy that ‘it’ll be a slap on the wrist and I’ll still be captain tonight’. No John, you won’t be. You are a twat.

Which brings us swiftly on to his partner in cwime…..Fwank Lampard. Do we really need to see the pair of them hugging each other without their shirts on any more? Now that Lampard’s wife has left him, I suppose the feeling of a large mammary rubbing up against his chest is a comfort thing. If that’s the case, he shouldn’t have cheated on his wife and child. Of course, that doesn’t concern Fwank…. As long as he can shoot from 40 yards and then catch a glimpse of himself on the big screen at Stamford Bridge to see the replay, he is fine.

Ashley Cole…… What were you thinking? Not once, but five times (that we know about). You had one of Britain’s most attractive girls as your wife (albeit with the most annoying accent on record), yet chose to jump onto the nearest mobile phone – literally (allegedly) and cavort with a hairdresser from the local shops, a female bus driver and three other wannabe WAG’s. Never the most likeable to start with, Ashley was given the chance to redeem his public image with an interview before the FA Cup final last week. When asked what would mean more to him ‘World cup with England or Double with Chelsea?’, he claimed that domestic honours mean more to him than winning the biggest prize in football. Just another reason why nobody likes you mate.

Didier Drogba is a fabulous footballer. One of the best all round centre forwards I’ve seen in real life. But he feels the need to throw himself to the floor at the slightest hint that somebody is going to touch him. And always rolls about. His disgraceful on-screen rant last year after the unjust but hugely enjoyable Champions League semi final just about summed him up. A total berk.

I’ll finish off with Joe Cole. I don’t think Cole is as disliked as the others mentioned, but he should be. The horrible little pikey shit is a scumbag just like JT. Brought up in the east end, he should be thankful to football for robbing him the chance to walk the streets of Peckham all day with a suitcase full of hookie gear and an almost certain ‘scruffy tash’. Every time I look at the lad, I just want somebody to give him a bloody good wash. He is disgusting.

That being said, Chelsea are a great football team and I take my hat off to them for this season’s achievements. I’m hoping that the English contingent take their form into the World cup with them…….but I highly doubt it.

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